I'm having a really bad day. No real reason.
In fact everything is great.
But I'm just a grouch to put it nicely.
So I'm going to start with a gratitude list...something I haven't been doing daily like I planned. My gratitude lists are supposed to include the good and the bad in life in an effort to make peace with it all.
So here goes:
1. My husband
2. My husband's job
3. My husband's sobriety (Day 8...Woot! Woot!)
4. caffeine
5. Holding a newborn and not breaking down
6. Today's Al-Anon meeting
7. 3 babies I never got to hold
8. my sweet, sweet niece Ellie (4 years old) who loves me more than most!
9. A blog where I can write it all down and vent!
10. My home
I was hoping that would make me feel better. It might have a tiny bit but I still just want to be a grump and get this all out. Its more of the same ol' crap.
First of all I know I'm in such a foul mood because of hormones...I just hope this PMS doesn't stick around for the next week b/c I know I'm not due to start for another week!
But I'm just in one of those moods where all I think about is all the bad stuff. And I'm just making myself feel worse.
For starters, I'm frustrated thinking bad on my lunch with my dad where he sat there and told me how I need to make sure I tell Will how proud of him I am. He kept reiterating that point over and over. That "I" need to make sure that HE knows I'm supporting him.
And now thinking back I'm just pissed because what the hell have I been doing for the last 2 years...the last 6 years? I've always let him know how important he was to me, how much I loved him. And in fact in the last month I went above and beyond that by begging the S.O.B to not leave me, to not DIVORCE me!
When is it my turn to be supported and loved and made to feel special?
And then I just feel guilty and stupid...because I'm pretty sure there is something amiss with that thinking. That I'm not looking at things in the right light. That maybe I've somehow brought this all on myself....not that I "deserve" anything bad but that maybe my own "character defects" prevented anything good from happening. I don't know. Like I said...everything is pissing me off.
In fact, I'm still scarred from the week he said he wanted a divorce. I still don't know if it was drunk Will that wanted a divorce or sober Will. And I'm not sure it matters. But I'm still petrified of it happening again and this time that he'll follow through with it. And right now I just want a million reassurances a day...literally, I want every word out of his mouth to be statement reassuring me and letting me know it was all a mistake, that he didn't mean it, and that he loves me.
I'm humiliated that I know he told his mother and sister things that I'd only shared with him in confidence regarding my feelings about our losses but also that he made me out to be an awful bitch.
So I feel guilty for having those feelings and even worse that people I care about think crazy things about me.
His mother just got home from a vacation today and we swung by her house to visit for a few and I didn't expect to but I felt very cold towards her. Betrayed even. I read on a text message (yes, a text I was never supposed to have read...there's that manageability thing I'm working on) that when he told her it was over between us that she didn't respond by saying anything supportive of our MARRIAGE but instead that she just made a comment like, "Well when its over, its over. Better 3 years than 30.".
I feel really betrayed by that. That coming from a Christian woman. That divorce is just okay and that without so much as even recommending counseling or AA or Al-Anon or anything that it was just okay that he just give up without ever even telling me what the issues were.
And I'm upset that Will told her I was starting my new job on Tuesday and she turned to me and said, "Oh that'll get you going in the mornings!". As if I'd been some lazy bitch while being out of work. That is not how she meant it...I don't really think anyway. But its the way I took it. The truth is the only reason I'm starting this job on Tuesday is because Will wants me to. He thinks we need the money...despite the fact that I know we're just fine without it. But he doesn't like the "pressure" of being the only one making money. And heaven forbid I do anything to cause him any pressure!
I mean seriously. I'm pretty sure the only reason he came back that next morning was to give me his explanation as to WHY he wanted a divorce and not because he was actually trying to work things out.
It's a damn good thing that when he said he was upset that I "kept him from his friends" that I could honestly answer with "When?" because he'd just left out that little detail of him having NEVER told me anyone was inviting us anywhere!!!!
And I guess honestly I'm horrified that he couldn't see past my anger and my craziness and see that I was just hurting and desperately calling out for his help...I mean I'd tried spelling it out for him and telling him exactly what I needed and when and how to do it and what to say even. I really did try that approach for over a year. But when he still couldn't/wouldn't do it I gave up. I resorted to anger. I took that anger out on every one of his drunk-ass friends at one point or another and I know that was wrong. But what else could I have done at those moments?
I'm mad that he's "so fragile" and that if I let myself explode at him and tell him all the things I'm feeling that he'll just turn back to drinking. That I'm supposed to keep on as though I'm over everything he did.
But I'm not.
I'm not okay with it.
I still can't believe this is my life. I can't believe that my own husband, that WILL actually did these things to me.
Sorry for the all out whiner post today.
I'm hoping tomorrow will be better!
