I wonder if others think they'll jinx it if they talk about it!
We're on Day 5.
Five whole days of sobriety.
But each and every day I prepare myself to see him walk in the door with a case of beer.
Today he is working late. The boss is buying dinner. Last time they worked through dinner the boss also bought a case of beer. Obviously his boss has no idea that he's an alcoholic but I worry that Will will cave and drink some. He'd only have 1 or 2 in front of co-workers but he'd still come home with more. Once he starts, he can't stop.
I know, I know.
Live and Let Live.
Let Go and Let God.
But sometimes all I hear is yada, yada, yada!
The thing is I know what he is doing and I guess I just have to let him.
He's still trying to prove to himself and to me that this isn't a real problem. That he can do this without any help. I mean logically he knows he is an alcoholic but I guess just like me he still can't grasp that first step- that this is unmanageable. He is still trying to manage.
I'd feel better if he'd just go to a meeting. I'd say the chances of this sobriety lasting long term without the meetings is 0% and I'd give him a 50/50 shot with the meetings.
So how am I? Isn't that what I'm supposed to be focusing on...
I still find it so odd that I'm a codependent. That I've let myself and my life become unmanageable.
Its a bit humorous to me. Ok...its a lot humorous to me!
It is just so not me!
So I'm doing okay. I went to lunch with my dad today and when he asked how Will was doing I was honest and told him that he'd quit for a few days but still wasn't doing meetings. I was very bitter sounding while talking to him which kind of surprised me. I feel like I still go around on eggshells. I want to just scream and yell at him about how he's not going to meetings, about how he's still trying to control something he can't control! But...then what would I be doing? Trying to control as well.
Round and round we go.
My dad also offered me a job. I'm not sure when it'll start and its only part time, which is exactly what I wanted. So I'm excited!
I used to be a teacher. But between the losses of my babies and the "loss" of my husband, work became too much for me to handle. Luckily, Will's career has yet to be affected by his drinking and he makes great money allowing me to quit working and start focusing on getting myself healthy.
Having an alcoholic husband meant dealing with those losses all alone for the last 2 years. I'm extremely resentful of that. And when I finally decided I was quitting, I was doing it only for myself. And I'm glad I did. I'm much happier.
I know most readers would probably be judgmental and wonder why on Earth I'd ever try to get pregnant and put my children through life with an alcoholic father.
Its not something I can justify.
The first time we got pregnant I wasn't aware of what we were facing. We'd been married just a few months and while I knew he drank more than I did, more than I thought he should it wasn't a concern for me. I truly thought he'd quit when he needed to, if that makes sense. We were still young, not many responsibilities. It was mostly on weekends with an occasional weekday. What was the problem? In the back of my mind I worried. His dad is a recovering alcoholic. Will himself had spent time in rehab before I'd ever met him for a pill addiction but his reasoning to me was that "alcohol" was never his issue, never his addiction, so he wasn't worried.
I was naive and ignorant enough to go along with that...not realizing that addiction is addiction and just because he wasn't taking pills didn't mean there wasn't a problem.
I didn't recognize that the drinking was a problem until we lost our first baby and suddenly any time I needed him he wasn't there. Not always physically...sometimes he was right beside me and just couldn't deal with me because he'd been drinking.
But I stayed in denial.
We got pregnant again. We lost our second baby.
I knew I couldn't do it again by myself so we got a marriage/grief counselor. She came highly recommended. The best therapist in town (and charged like it too!). But honestly she was a waste of time.
She admitted she wasn't an addiction therapist and that she wasn't going to be able to help us in that regard. But yet 90% of our time with her was spent talking about it. It helped for a while but Will just felt "attacked" most sessions and looking back I'm angry that I wanted to talk about my losses and the conversation was always about him. It just felt like my issues weren't a big deal. That even with a therapist I was expected to be over the death of my babies in no time and that we should be dealing with Will's problem and that I should probably leave.
We didn't stay with her long. But we didn't go elsewhere.
We took a six month break from trying to get pregnant. I told family and friends about Will's drinking and got a lot of support initially. But then even my own parents quit asking me about it and therefore I quit talking about it and they went on assuming that it just was a temporary problem and that he had his drinking under control.
I'm still pretty pissed at them about that. Both of them grew up with alcoholic fathers...they should have known better than me that it wasn't going away.
For Christmas my mom provided Will with his very own bottle of his favorite whiskey! I mean really??? My best friend seriously considered getting him a 12 pack of his favorite beer as a gift.
I really felt ignored.
So I ignored it too.
We tried to get pregnant again. This time it took much longer than the first two times. It was beyond stressful and only served to put a big wedge between Will and I. He drank even more.
And we got pregnant again. This time it only lasted 5 weeks as I ended up with a ruptured fallopian tube and lost my tube and baby very early on.
I handled it much better than I did the first two times. But I'm not convinced I've really dealt with it at all. I think I put it in the back of my mind and decided I'd go crazy if I dealt with a 3rd loss and the loss of my tube and with it my chances of getting pregnant without medication and procedures.
It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I woke up. That friends and family woke up too.
Will pretty much forced that on us...and I guess for that I'm grateful.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Be okay
Oh how I wish I knew another younger woman married to an alcoholic. I've yet to meet any young wives in Al-Anon. All of the young women are adult children of alcoholics. I'm not saying we can't relate... but I guess I just wish for the impossible. To meet someone exactly like me who is maybe a few steps ahead of me and can just fix it.
Ha, the absurdity.
I met with The Hippy yesterday. I was a little bummed that as soon as I got there I just couldn't remember what I wanted to talk about. I couldn't tap into that energy, the sadness, the anger I felt just a couple days ago, when I wrote those blog entries.
I actually had to pull up the writings on my iPhone just to remember! And then so many of the things I wrote felt so small. I discussed some of it with him. But mostly I think I just realized that all I really needed was to get it out and writing did just that for me.
If I hadn't written it then I'd probably would have exploded by the time I got to The Hippy's office.
Lol, all my names on this blog are changed...including my own! I keep accidentally typing my husband's real name! Ooops! So if you suddenly see some weird name appear that doesn't make sense its probably just that...I've gone and written a real name!
But I try to proof read before publishing!
We talked a little about the first step at my appointment too. We discussed that I knew he was using pills again because I'd looked at his phone and saw that he'd texted his supplier for more. The Hippy said all the things I already know.
Snooping is not ME.
And its a way that I've let my life become unmanageable.
He's right.
And its a way that I keep trying to control the situation.
The truth is I'd like to go to this little punk-ass (the kid selling him the shit) and bash his face in. But he's just some kid. A co-worker that Will mentored at work. Maybe this kid is an addict too. I have no idea. Or maybe he's just some punk ass kid thinking he's all cool by selling prescription medications. I'd like to call the kids mama. I'd like to call him and tell him that Will is an addict and he's going to kill him. (For the record he's 23...not a real "kid".)
But I know. I can't. But oh how I want to.
But I can't control and by that I don't only mean I shouldn't control...I mean I CANNOT control. It just doesn't work. All it does it make me miserable because it never works.
How come I can know something but not be able to apply it?
So...Will is on Day 3 of being sober.
The thing is I'm not excited because I'm not naive.
On Sunday he laid around the house feeling sorry for himself and telling me how guilty he felt for all the things he's been doing. I spent the day in the ER with my best friend Jamie (her benign brain tumor is probably back...that is a story for another day) and only left when it was time for my 4pm Al-Anon meeting. Will said he'd go to a 4pm meeting that day too which just happens to be in the same church where I was heading.
But I didn't offer to pick him up. I wanted it to be fully his decision. I'd have swung by the house to pick him up if he'd asked but he didn't.
And of course he fell asleep and didn't make it.
So whatever. He said he'd go the really good Monday night meeting.
Right around 730, when it was time for him to be going, he expressed his anxiety about going. And I knew he wasn't going.
He's been to these meetings before. The Monday night is a big one and he's got a lot of friends there. A lot of people who support him and would be thrilled to see him.
But all he could say to me is that he is afraid to see them because he already feels so guilty and like he's failed and by going back and facing them he'll have to hear their jokes about how he's been too drunk to make it to a meeting in so long!
I told him they'd just be happy to see him. Happy to help him. And that even their "good-natured jokes" would simply mean, "hey man, so good to see you! we can joke about this because we understand!". I told him that if there was anything I could do to help him face the anxiety and go to just let me know.
And that was all I said. And I turned my head back to my novel and silently prayed that he'd go.
He didn't.
And he didn't drink.
And we still had a really good night. We did a long walk...something we never get to do because he's too drunk. We snuggled on the couch, he was reading The Hunger Games and I was reading Good In Bed (lol, not about what you'd think!).
And we made love for the first time in over a month...geez, maybe 2. And hell probably 3 or 4 if you don't count drunk sex.
But I know it can all change in an instant.
Especially if he isn't reaching out for help. Help that I can't give. Help that only AA can.
Some days I know that my life is just going to be miserable. I mean nothing has gone as planned. I could still end up divorced. I could still never be a mother.
I could waste so much time praying for him to be sober and to be the man I fell in love with and miss out on my own life.
I don't want that.
And then other days I just know that no matter what I'm going to get through this. I hope its with a sober Will. But even if its not I can sometimes see that I'm just going to be okay. I've got a great God, a good therapist, amazing friends, supportive parents, and I'm pretty strong. Today I can feel all of that.
Ha, the absurdity.
I met with The Hippy yesterday. I was a little bummed that as soon as I got there I just couldn't remember what I wanted to talk about. I couldn't tap into that energy, the sadness, the anger I felt just a couple days ago, when I wrote those blog entries.
I actually had to pull up the writings on my iPhone just to remember! And then so many of the things I wrote felt so small. I discussed some of it with him. But mostly I think I just realized that all I really needed was to get it out and writing did just that for me.
If I hadn't written it then I'd probably would have exploded by the time I got to The Hippy's office.
Lol, all my names on this blog are changed...including my own! I keep accidentally typing my husband's real name! Ooops! So if you suddenly see some weird name appear that doesn't make sense its probably just that...I've gone and written a real name!
But I try to proof read before publishing!
We talked a little about the first step at my appointment too. We discussed that I knew he was using pills again because I'd looked at his phone and saw that he'd texted his supplier for more. The Hippy said all the things I already know.
Snooping is not ME.
And its a way that I've let my life become unmanageable.
He's right.
And its a way that I keep trying to control the situation.
The truth is I'd like to go to this little punk-ass (the kid selling him the shit) and bash his face in. But he's just some kid. A co-worker that Will mentored at work. Maybe this kid is an addict too. I have no idea. Or maybe he's just some punk ass kid thinking he's all cool by selling prescription medications. I'd like to call the kids mama. I'd like to call him and tell him that Will is an addict and he's going to kill him. (For the record he's 23...not a real "kid".)
But I know. I can't. But oh how I want to.
But I can't control and by that I don't only mean I shouldn't control...I mean I CANNOT control. It just doesn't work. All it does it make me miserable because it never works.
How come I can know something but not be able to apply it?
So...Will is on Day 3 of being sober.
The thing is I'm not excited because I'm not naive.
On Sunday he laid around the house feeling sorry for himself and telling me how guilty he felt for all the things he's been doing. I spent the day in the ER with my best friend Jamie (her benign brain tumor is probably back...that is a story for another day) and only left when it was time for my 4pm Al-Anon meeting. Will said he'd go to a 4pm meeting that day too which just happens to be in the same church where I was heading.
But I didn't offer to pick him up. I wanted it to be fully his decision. I'd have swung by the house to pick him up if he'd asked but he didn't.
And of course he fell asleep and didn't make it.
So whatever. He said he'd go the really good Monday night meeting.
Right around 730, when it was time for him to be going, he expressed his anxiety about going. And I knew he wasn't going.
He's been to these meetings before. The Monday night is a big one and he's got a lot of friends there. A lot of people who support him and would be thrilled to see him.
But all he could say to me is that he is afraid to see them because he already feels so guilty and like he's failed and by going back and facing them he'll have to hear their jokes about how he's been too drunk to make it to a meeting in so long!
I told him they'd just be happy to see him. Happy to help him. And that even their "good-natured jokes" would simply mean, "hey man, so good to see you! we can joke about this because we understand!". I told him that if there was anything I could do to help him face the anxiety and go to just let me know.
And that was all I said. And I turned my head back to my novel and silently prayed that he'd go.
He didn't.
And he didn't drink.
And we still had a really good night. We did a long walk...something we never get to do because he's too drunk. We snuggled on the couch, he was reading The Hunger Games and I was reading Good In Bed (lol, not about what you'd think!).
And we made love for the first time in over a month...geez, maybe 2. And hell probably 3 or 4 if you don't count drunk sex.
But I know it can all change in an instant.
Especially if he isn't reaching out for help. Help that I can't give. Help that only AA can.
Some days I know that my life is just going to be miserable. I mean nothing has gone as planned. I could still end up divorced. I could still never be a mother.
I could waste so much time praying for him to be sober and to be the man I fell in love with and miss out on my own life.
I don't want that.
And then other days I just know that no matter what I'm going to get through this. I hope its with a sober Will. But even if its not I can sometimes see that I'm just going to be okay. I've got a great God, a good therapist, amazing friends, supportive parents, and I'm pretty strong. Today I can feel all of that.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Step One
So I've updated any readers (so far there are none though) to this moment in time.
I'm working on Step One. These are my thoughts and responses to some suggested questions and activities while I read tonight...
I cannot control timing.
What am I powerless over? Almost everything I want to control.
Trying to do the impossible or that which is not our job....
Step One: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and others- and our lives had become unmanageable.
I have tried to control my husband. I feel that I don't fit many of these codependent qualifications but when I look at my husband and think back it is incredibly clear. But I'm not seeing the behavior in my other relationships which is interesting. I'm unsure what that means.
Will and alcoholism are making me feel crazy and causing me stress! But I think I'm supposed to learn how to not let it get to me. That feels impossible!
I feel victimized by my husband and his addiction. I feel victimized by his "friends" who I think encourage his addiction and provide him with the very things that are destroying him, me, and us.
If I stopped trying to control Will's addictions then I'd have to face the fact that I am powerless over his life, his health, his happiness, his love. While I understand logically...it is such a scary thing because I might lose him. I might be even more miserable without him.
If I stopped allowing alcohol to control me I suspect I would be happier in some ways. I'd relax and let God do His thing. I wouldn't worry constantly or be so sad or so angry. I'd let go of all these resentments. But I'm not there yet and I can't understand it. How can I let go and let God and yet not worry?! It feels lke I just wouldn't care anymore. I don't know how to do both!
I am suffering from depression. I've been angry with God. I've let myself become overweight (45lbs is a LOT to gain in 2 years). I've quit my job because I couldn't handle the stress. I couldn't handle ANY stress. That is how my life has become unmanageable.
For the longest time I've done nothing fun. Nothing.
I'm working on Step One. These are my thoughts and responses to some suggested questions and activities while I read tonight...
I cannot control timing.
What am I powerless over? Almost everything I want to control.
Trying to do the impossible or that which is not our job....
Step One: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and others- and our lives had become unmanageable.
I have tried to control my husband. I feel that I don't fit many of these codependent qualifications but when I look at my husband and think back it is incredibly clear. But I'm not seeing the behavior in my other relationships which is interesting. I'm unsure what that means.
Will and alcoholism are making me feel crazy and causing me stress! But I think I'm supposed to learn how to not let it get to me. That feels impossible!
I feel victimized by my husband and his addiction. I feel victimized by his "friends" who I think encourage his addiction and provide him with the very things that are destroying him, me, and us.
If I stopped trying to control Will's addictions then I'd have to face the fact that I am powerless over his life, his health, his happiness, his love. While I understand logically...it is such a scary thing because I might lose him. I might be even more miserable without him.
If I stopped allowing alcohol to control me I suspect I would be happier in some ways. I'd relax and let God do His thing. I wouldn't worry constantly or be so sad or so angry. I'd let go of all these resentments. But I'm not there yet and I can't understand it. How can I let go and let God and yet not worry?! It feels lke I just wouldn't care anymore. I don't know how to do both!
I am suffering from depression. I've been angry with God. I've let myself become overweight (45lbs is a LOT to gain in 2 years). I've quit my job because I couldn't handle the stress. I couldn't handle ANY stress. That is how my life has become unmanageable.
For the longest time I've done nothing fun. Nothing.
The Next Day
I need to nap. I didn't get enough sleep.
But I'm here pecking on my iPhone.
I think I want to redo our vows. Before God but to write our own. That thought just came to me. But I think I want that. Not right away but when we make it out of the worst of this.
Was it really me who caused all these issues? Or was it that he can't admit that his drinking is such a big deal.
I care too much about what others think of me. And he's telling people things that are only half truths. It's painting me to be a horrible person and him the victim.
I'm angry that I overheard. That I didn't walk away. And I'm angry he said it. I'm frustrated.
She says "Penny lost her baby. I should introduce her to Penny. Penny was due with Kelsey and Penny went to Kelsey's shower." (Referring to Kelsey's baby shower that I decided last minute to not go to)
"I think if she could just get over it shed have a baby a lot quicker"
WTF?! So Penny and Kelsey are GOOD, CLOSE friends. If Jamie, or Jessica, or Allison had a baby shower I'd be there! Kelsey is a fucking acquaintance.
Penny has lost ONE baby. I've lost 3. Not everyone thinks of an embryo or a fetus as their baby. Not everyone is affected the same so why am I treated as though I shouldn't be sad, devastated even. I bet Penny had support too.
And what I'm such a negative bitch that I'm being punished and that's why I can't have a baby?! If I'd just get over it then I could have a baby.
Really? Because a positive happy go lucky attitude got me my first miscarriage! It didn't prevent my body from screwing things up, from letting them die. It didn't cause low progesterone or hypothyroidism or MTHFR.
Negativity didn't kill my babies. Low progesterone, hypothyroidism, MTHFR, and a screwed up tube killed my babies.
But that sure felt like she was implying I am to blame.
The happiest and most peaceful times in my life were during my pregnancies. My babies died before I knew there was a problem. I wasn't worrying incessantly. I was living for the moment. Enjoying every second. I wasn't negative. I wasn't thinking that things would turn out badly. But they did. The negativity came after each loss.
I just want people to stop talking about how I should or shouldn't handle THE DEATH of Elizabeth, Elise, or Brian. Of my babies.
I still am desperate for my husband's empathy. I never expected him to feel what I felt. I just expected support. Am I really not supposed to have expectations?
I have a hard time with that. I got more support from him when Wiggles (my cat) died!!!!
He let me grieve longer. He put his head on my back while I cried myself to sleep for many nights. He only did it one night after Elizabeth.
I was beyond depressed. I wanted to die. If I'd had the balls I'd have killed myself. I mean that. If I thought I wouldn't go to Hell or created a Hell on earth by just turning myself into a veggie I'd have swallowed pills and prayed for death. I toyed with it.
I took too many pills. I knew they wouldn't kill me. But I was hopeful that maybe I'd just have a reaction and die or get "high" enough that I didn't know what I was doing and then have the guts to kill myself.
I cut my wrist. But it burned like Hell.
He saw all of this.
I wanted help. I wanted an ambulance to come get me but instead he just told me to leave him alone and he went to bed.
I wouldn't have fought being committed.
I needed it.
But even without his support I crawled my way out of Hell on my own. I've been teetering on the edge of falling down again but I'm a damn strong person at this point.
I should have reached out to someone else and let them know how sad I was over losing Elizabeth and then Elise. But my thoughts were more like "If my own husband, the father of my babies doesn't care about what we've lost and what I'm going through I don't want to deal with that rejection from someone else too".
So I didn't share.
I just don't buy into this whole man is different from woman crap. I mean yeah they feel things differently but really he can't be a damn man and hug his wife!!!!?!?! Being a man is not an excuse for being a dick. An insensitive uncaring prick.
But I'm here pecking on my iPhone.
I think I want to redo our vows. Before God but to write our own. That thought just came to me. But I think I want that. Not right away but when we make it out of the worst of this.
Was it really me who caused all these issues? Or was it that he can't admit that his drinking is such a big deal.
I care too much about what others think of me. And he's telling people things that are only half truths. It's painting me to be a horrible person and him the victim.
I'm angry that I overheard. That I didn't walk away. And I'm angry he said it. I'm frustrated.
She says "Penny lost her baby. I should introduce her to Penny. Penny was due with Kelsey and Penny went to Kelsey's shower." (Referring to Kelsey's baby shower that I decided last minute to not go to)
"I think if she could just get over it shed have a baby a lot quicker"
WTF?! So Penny and Kelsey are GOOD, CLOSE friends. If Jamie, or Jessica, or Allison had a baby shower I'd be there! Kelsey is a fucking acquaintance.
Penny has lost ONE baby. I've lost 3. Not everyone thinks of an embryo or a fetus as their baby. Not everyone is affected the same so why am I treated as though I shouldn't be sad, devastated even. I bet Penny had support too.
And what I'm such a negative bitch that I'm being punished and that's why I can't have a baby?! If I'd just get over it then I could have a baby.
Really? Because a positive happy go lucky attitude got me my first miscarriage! It didn't prevent my body from screwing things up, from letting them die. It didn't cause low progesterone or hypothyroidism or MTHFR.
Negativity didn't kill my babies. Low progesterone, hypothyroidism, MTHFR, and a screwed up tube killed my babies.
But that sure felt like she was implying I am to blame.
The happiest and most peaceful times in my life were during my pregnancies. My babies died before I knew there was a problem. I wasn't worrying incessantly. I was living for the moment. Enjoying every second. I wasn't negative. I wasn't thinking that things would turn out badly. But they did. The negativity came after each loss.
I just want people to stop talking about how I should or shouldn't handle THE DEATH of Elizabeth, Elise, or Brian. Of my babies.
I still am desperate for my husband's empathy. I never expected him to feel what I felt. I just expected support. Am I really not supposed to have expectations?
I have a hard time with that. I got more support from him when Wiggles (my cat) died!!!!
He let me grieve longer. He put his head on my back while I cried myself to sleep for many nights. He only did it one night after Elizabeth.
I was beyond depressed. I wanted to die. If I'd had the balls I'd have killed myself. I mean that. If I thought I wouldn't go to Hell or created a Hell on earth by just turning myself into a veggie I'd have swallowed pills and prayed for death. I toyed with it.
I took too many pills. I knew they wouldn't kill me. But I was hopeful that maybe I'd just have a reaction and die or get "high" enough that I didn't know what I was doing and then have the guts to kill myself.
I cut my wrist. But it burned like Hell.
He saw all of this.
I wanted help. I wanted an ambulance to come get me but instead he just told me to leave him alone and he went to bed.
I wouldn't have fought being committed.
I needed it.
But even without his support I crawled my way out of Hell on my own. I've been teetering on the edge of falling down again but I'm a damn strong person at this point.
I should have reached out to someone else and let them know how sad I was over losing Elizabeth and then Elise. But my thoughts were more like "If my own husband, the father of my babies doesn't care about what we've lost and what I'm going through I don't want to deal with that rejection from someone else too".
So I didn't share.
I just don't buy into this whole man is different from woman crap. I mean yeah they feel things differently but really he can't be a damn man and hug his wife!!!!?!?! Being a man is not an excuse for being a dick. An insensitive uncaring prick.
Up All Night, Part III
He keeps saying he needs to get away. I want to know what he needs to
get away from.
It feels like me. I can only imagine that my constant need to talk things out is overwhelming. It's overwhelming to me too.
This repetitive, obsessive thinking going on in my brain. I just don't know how to deal with our problems.
I worry I'm wearing him out.
Wearing him out is bad. It's bad when you now realize that forever didn't mean forever.
Being married released a huge weight... The fear of ever being alone, of "breaking up". But he's made it so clear that breaking up is an option for him. I feel so betrayed. I honestly wonder why I'm fighting so hard for a man who barely reminds me if the man I fell in love with.
I wish that marriage didn't mean so much to me.
Or maybe more than anything I'm afraid of being alone, of admitting defeat, of the stigma of divorce (that apparently only I have).
But I want to believe its more than that keeping me here.
I think back to before the alcohol became such a problem and before babies and infertility.
I thought we had something most people only dream of. We could have had a movie made about us.
Look at us now.
I don't know how much the drinking has impacted him, me, or us. I literally do not know.
How did it come to all these resentments and this need to get far away from me so often?
How come he doesn't want to make love or even kiss more than a peck? Alcohol or me? Which is it?
The thing is I'm pretty impressionable. Tell me I'm a knockout and I'll believe you. Tell me I'm unattractive then I'll buy that too.
I keep having dreams that I'm having an affair. Not much sex in these dreams but lots of being made to feel beautiful and sexy. In fact one dream was so real and there was no sex. Just me and this particular guy (a particular caring and sensitive ex) and we slept in diff rooms because I was married. But he loved me and he made sure i knew. He made sure i knew I was beautiful.
Am I putting too much on him? It wasn't too much a few years ago.
I honestly wish I could have an affair like in my dream. No sex, just love. Just to feel safe.
It feels like me. I can only imagine that my constant need to talk things out is overwhelming. It's overwhelming to me too.
This repetitive, obsessive thinking going on in my brain. I just don't know how to deal with our problems.
I worry I'm wearing him out.
Wearing him out is bad. It's bad when you now realize that forever didn't mean forever.
Being married released a huge weight... The fear of ever being alone, of "breaking up". But he's made it so clear that breaking up is an option for him. I feel so betrayed. I honestly wonder why I'm fighting so hard for a man who barely reminds me if the man I fell in love with.
I wish that marriage didn't mean so much to me.
Or maybe more than anything I'm afraid of being alone, of admitting defeat, of the stigma of divorce (that apparently only I have).
But I want to believe its more than that keeping me here.
I think back to before the alcohol became such a problem and before babies and infertility.
I thought we had something most people only dream of. We could have had a movie made about us.
Look at us now.
I don't know how much the drinking has impacted him, me, or us. I literally do not know.
How did it come to all these resentments and this need to get far away from me so often?
How come he doesn't want to make love or even kiss more than a peck? Alcohol or me? Which is it?
The thing is I'm pretty impressionable. Tell me I'm a knockout and I'll believe you. Tell me I'm unattractive then I'll buy that too.
I keep having dreams that I'm having an affair. Not much sex in these dreams but lots of being made to feel beautiful and sexy. In fact one dream was so real and there was no sex. Just me and this particular guy (a particular caring and sensitive ex) and we slept in diff rooms because I was married. But he loved me and he made sure i knew. He made sure i knew I was beautiful.
Am I putting too much on him? It wasn't too much a few years ago.
I honestly wish I could have an affair like in my dream. No sex, just love. Just to feel safe.
Up All Night, Part II
I know I make no sense. Ugh it's sooo late. But there are so many racing
thoughts. I feel like a damn nut case.
Resentments.
Are they just him projecting his own feelings of himself on me or is he for real?! Some are so ridiculous. Some seem so hateful.
They all feel like a slap in the face.
Am I too blind to clearly see my faults in this?
I'm trying not to play the victim even though I really feel innocent in most of this.
I feel like every last bit of this crap would never have happened if William didn't drink so much.
But I can't read minds. He never fucking told me what was wrong.... For over two years he made me guess.
And then the lies and half truths.
I don't know where I stand.
I don't know what he's told his friends.
If it's anything like what I overheard tonight then my anxiety is worse.
I have a really hard time facing his friends if they believe I've "kept Will from them" or "can't get over my losses" or "am bitter and hateful about their babies.
WTF????!!!!
The things I overheard tonight make me want to crawl in bed and never look any of his friends in the eye again.
But he wants me more confident? Why Is he tearing me down then?!
I didn't keep him from doing a damn thing! Well maybe I kept him from enjoying his damn beer in peace.
He says Brad told him that he believed in his vows and he apparently was one of the rare people who really meant them.
He says this with shock.
I thought my husband meant his vows too but I'm not sure what he's getting at.
I'm so sad.
All the fucking time.
Even when I'm happy, I'm sad. About this.
I've lost my trust in him. He kicked me out and was ready to divorce me!!!!!!!!
With no explanation.
None.
I don't know why he came back the next morning after he'd made up his mind to divorce me.
I don't know.
I just want to understand.
But maybe I won't. How do I let this go?
Resentments.
Are they just him projecting his own feelings of himself on me or is he for real?! Some are so ridiculous. Some seem so hateful.
They all feel like a slap in the face.
Am I too blind to clearly see my faults in this?
I'm trying not to play the victim even though I really feel innocent in most of this.
I feel like every last bit of this crap would never have happened if William didn't drink so much.
But I can't read minds. He never fucking told me what was wrong.... For over two years he made me guess.
And then the lies and half truths.
I don't know where I stand.
I don't know what he's told his friends.
If it's anything like what I overheard tonight then my anxiety is worse.
I have a really hard time facing his friends if they believe I've "kept Will from them" or "can't get over my losses" or "am bitter and hateful about their babies.
WTF????!!!!
The things I overheard tonight make me want to crawl in bed and never look any of his friends in the eye again.
But he wants me more confident? Why Is he tearing me down then?!
I didn't keep him from doing a damn thing! Well maybe I kept him from enjoying his damn beer in peace.
He says Brad told him that he believed in his vows and he apparently was one of the rare people who really meant them.
He says this with shock.
I thought my husband meant his vows too but I'm not sure what he's getting at.
I'm so sad.
All the fucking time.
Even when I'm happy, I'm sad. About this.
I've lost my trust in him. He kicked me out and was ready to divorce me!!!!!!!!
With no explanation.
None.
I don't know why he came back the next morning after he'd made up his mind to divorce me.
I don't know.
I just want to understand.
But maybe I won't. How do I let this go?
Up All Night, Part I
I couldn't sleep the other night. My husband, Will, was still drinking. My anxiety was through the roof and I was up until 5am. Around 2 am I decided to write, to get it all out. I was too lazy to get up and go to a different room so I pecked away on my iphone.
Names have been changed to protect the guilty!
It's so late and I can't sleep. I'm scared and sad and angry. I'm scared to be angry. I'm scared that anger will push him away. But how do I get my voice heard?
I am feeling foolish. Foolish that when I said my vows I meant them. I didn't just mean them for that moment or for just a couple years but for all time. For better or worse. I'd be there. I wasn't leaving. I'm so pissed that he didn't mean his vows. I mean yeah he's here now. But one simple conversation happened that might not have happened. It feels like dumb luck is all that has him here now. Dumb luck that he was able to say what he felt and I was able to relax enough to say what I felt without resorting to anger. He was ready to jump ship. His mom tells him it's ok to jump ship if he's not feeling it. Better to waste 3 years than any longer.
WHAT?!?!
It's another blow to my confidence.
Til death do us part.
I meant it.
I'm sad bc I thought he did too. But he doesn't. I feel afraid. Afraid that we might do this again. That things will get hard and he will decide it's just easier to leave.
I thought we were on the same page. I thought he'd never leave without giving it his all. But he almost did leave.
I don't know why I can't move on from this and just be grateful he's willing to work on us. But for me he created all new issues. Heartbreaking issues.
He didn't really mean his vows.
I did.
I remember long evening walks with him before and during our engagement where we discussed how marriage was forever. I feel lied to.
He just meant it was forever if forever meant things were going the way he wanted.
I meant FOREVER.
He is still telling people that if I don't "get over it" then he's out.
He's still not in it.
I have to prove my worthiness.
For at least a year he's been griping that we have nothing in common. I can't tell you how many times I asked to go play golf, to go camping, to go "hunting" (with a camera for me), to do all sorts of things and how many times he didn't bother asking. I didn't turn him down on these requests.
There just was never a request.
I had a miscarriage. I was heartbroken and I struggled to be around Crystal during her pregnancy. But I NEVER kept him away from Brad.
But I did go around her. And SHE didnt say a single word to me that day. Not even a hello. We were in the same damn boat and she never even looked my direction or stopped talking to the other pregnant girl long enough for me to even get the courage to say hi. It felt like a rejection. It felt like i had not only lost my baby but with it I also lost my only connection to my husband's best friend. I was the outcast.
When Andrew was born I sobbed over my loss (our babies were due the same day). But when he was 3 days old I met him. I held him.
Then I lost our second baby, Elise.
And being around babies and pregnant bellies was hard again.
I was all alone in my grief again. I begged for support. He refused it.
Not once in all that time did he ever ask me to do anything with Brad and Crystal.
Not once. (ok, I'm editing here. I'm fairly certain he probably did ask me to do something with him and I turned him down. I don't remember specifics but I'd be a liar if I said he never asked. BUT he didn't ask more than a couple times in those early months after we lost Elise. He didn't give me time to process my loss before he gave up and decided I was a lost cause.)
Fast forward to October 2011. He says Brad and Crystal have invited us out with them on Nov 2nd. I agreed. I was even excited.
Instead on November 2nd I spent 4 hours in surgery because I'm bleeding internally and having my third baby removed from my body along with my right Fallopian tube.
It feels like he blames me for missing an opportunity with his friends.
I never heard of another invite from Brad and Crystal.
But he tells me I kept him from them.
I honestly assumed they weren't interested in US because they had a life with a baby and maybe they really only spent time with other couples who have kids too and we just didn't fit in.
How can I be at fault when I never knew they were inviting us?
Kevin...
My issues with Kevin started long before Rebecca and baby Kaden.
They started bc my husband left my home multiple nights each week to get shit faced. And then he DROVE home drunk.... Plastered.
I was 1) jealous of my husband being gone so often when I needed him and 2) angry that Kevin, his "friend" would let him drive home.
I quit hanging out with Kevin bc I was the only sober person when we all hung out together.
When Kevin got sober and Will didn't I became terribly sad. I wanted my husband to be sober. I felt like I wasn't enough.
When I found out Rebecca was pregnant and that was why Kevin got sober I was infuriated. Not with Kevin or Rebecca but with Will. Again, I felt like I wasn't good enough. Our children didn't even matter.
Infuriated that my husband never got sober during my 3 pregnancies. Jealous that the life I'd prayed for was going to someone who prayed for the opposite. Kevin was so outspoken about never wanting children.
I let my anger get the best of me.
And in my effort, my warped sense of trying to get the love and support and understanding I needed from William I let him know how UNFAIR it was. I let it show by showing how ugly I could be. I misdirected my anger at them when it was really meant for William. But no matter what he didn't seem to care.
I did try to keep him from Kevin.... When Kevin was drinking!!!! I felt he was a bad influence and I truly thought that if he didn't have Kevin then he wouldn't drink so much.
But when Kevin got sober, Will just switched gears. Instead of going to Kevin's he went to Brandon's.
I've moved my feelings of "hate" to Brandon. I've tried to keep him from Brandon in my attempts to rid my husband of his addictions.
I see I made things worse.
But I didn't keep him from anyone bc of baby issues.
I asked a million times to invite Kelsey and Ben to do something and she is knocked up but usually Will wasn't in the mood or Kelsey and Ben were too busy.
But I think I got blamed for that friendship too.
I debated back and forth on her baby shower. I had the gift but ultimately decided I didn't want to go bc I was afraid of being tearful. Crying, even for 30 seconds, in a room full of strangers was not my idea of fun. But not going never had anything to do with not being happy for Kelsey.
I'm not saying I was perfect. Not by a long shot. I was/am crazy, insanely jealous of Kevin's good fortune. I was/am reminded of EXACTLY what I lost when I look at Andrew or Emily. It's hard.
But all I asked for was his support. I never got it. I wanted a heads up to be mentally prepared if Andrew was going to be around. Instead he fed me to the wolves. I was emotional seeing Andrew and Emily but it wasn't that bad. What WAS bad was the reminder that my husband didn't give a damn about protecting my feelings, about supprting ME. That was why I locked myself in the truck the day... because I felt alone and belittled and unloved.
I need to know he's on my side.
And yet even now after we've had all of these amazing talks I'm still sitting here at 330 am feeling scared and sad.
Bc now I see that no matter what... I'm alone in this. He has the option of divorce in his heart. I never have.
It's just not an option for me.
I remember him saying the same a long time ago.
How can I compete with a family and his friends who told him that divorcing me was okay?
Many of them backed out of marriage when it got too hard. I don't fault them for their decisions. But without sounding snobbish I knew I could do better. I wouldn't give up.
But he might. And what good is my promise if his wasn't true?
I made a promise to God and to Will that I'd be his forever. I meant it.
But he didn't.
Names have been changed to protect the guilty!
It's so late and I can't sleep. I'm scared and sad and angry. I'm scared to be angry. I'm scared that anger will push him away. But how do I get my voice heard?
I am feeling foolish. Foolish that when I said my vows I meant them. I didn't just mean them for that moment or for just a couple years but for all time. For better or worse. I'd be there. I wasn't leaving. I'm so pissed that he didn't mean his vows. I mean yeah he's here now. But one simple conversation happened that might not have happened. It feels like dumb luck is all that has him here now. Dumb luck that he was able to say what he felt and I was able to relax enough to say what I felt without resorting to anger. He was ready to jump ship. His mom tells him it's ok to jump ship if he's not feeling it. Better to waste 3 years than any longer.
WHAT?!?!
It's another blow to my confidence.
Til death do us part.
I meant it.
I'm sad bc I thought he did too. But he doesn't. I feel afraid. Afraid that we might do this again. That things will get hard and he will decide it's just easier to leave.
I thought we were on the same page. I thought he'd never leave without giving it his all. But he almost did leave.
I don't know why I can't move on from this and just be grateful he's willing to work on us. But for me he created all new issues. Heartbreaking issues.
He didn't really mean his vows.
I did.
I remember long evening walks with him before and during our engagement where we discussed how marriage was forever. I feel lied to.
He just meant it was forever if forever meant things were going the way he wanted.
I meant FOREVER.
He is still telling people that if I don't "get over it" then he's out.
He's still not in it.
I have to prove my worthiness.
For at least a year he's been griping that we have nothing in common. I can't tell you how many times I asked to go play golf, to go camping, to go "hunting" (with a camera for me), to do all sorts of things and how many times he didn't bother asking. I didn't turn him down on these requests.
There just was never a request.
I had a miscarriage. I was heartbroken and I struggled to be around Crystal during her pregnancy. But I NEVER kept him away from Brad.
But I did go around her. And SHE didnt say a single word to me that day. Not even a hello. We were in the same damn boat and she never even looked my direction or stopped talking to the other pregnant girl long enough for me to even get the courage to say hi. It felt like a rejection. It felt like i had not only lost my baby but with it I also lost my only connection to my husband's best friend. I was the outcast.
When Andrew was born I sobbed over my loss (our babies were due the same day). But when he was 3 days old I met him. I held him.
Then I lost our second baby, Elise.
And being around babies and pregnant bellies was hard again.
I was all alone in my grief again. I begged for support. He refused it.
Not once in all that time did he ever ask me to do anything with Brad and Crystal.
Not once. (ok, I'm editing here. I'm fairly certain he probably did ask me to do something with him and I turned him down. I don't remember specifics but I'd be a liar if I said he never asked. BUT he didn't ask more than a couple times in those early months after we lost Elise. He didn't give me time to process my loss before he gave up and decided I was a lost cause.)
Fast forward to October 2011. He says Brad and Crystal have invited us out with them on Nov 2nd. I agreed. I was even excited.
Instead on November 2nd I spent 4 hours in surgery because I'm bleeding internally and having my third baby removed from my body along with my right Fallopian tube.
It feels like he blames me for missing an opportunity with his friends.
I never heard of another invite from Brad and Crystal.
But he tells me I kept him from them.
I honestly assumed they weren't interested in US because they had a life with a baby and maybe they really only spent time with other couples who have kids too and we just didn't fit in.
How can I be at fault when I never knew they were inviting us?
Kevin...
My issues with Kevin started long before Rebecca and baby Kaden.
They started bc my husband left my home multiple nights each week to get shit faced. And then he DROVE home drunk.... Plastered.
I was 1) jealous of my husband being gone so often when I needed him and 2) angry that Kevin, his "friend" would let him drive home.
I quit hanging out with Kevin bc I was the only sober person when we all hung out together.
When Kevin got sober and Will didn't I became terribly sad. I wanted my husband to be sober. I felt like I wasn't enough.
When I found out Rebecca was pregnant and that was why Kevin got sober I was infuriated. Not with Kevin or Rebecca but with Will. Again, I felt like I wasn't good enough. Our children didn't even matter.
Infuriated that my husband never got sober during my 3 pregnancies. Jealous that the life I'd prayed for was going to someone who prayed for the opposite. Kevin was so outspoken about never wanting children.
I let my anger get the best of me.
And in my effort, my warped sense of trying to get the love and support and understanding I needed from William I let him know how UNFAIR it was. I let it show by showing how ugly I could be. I misdirected my anger at them when it was really meant for William. But no matter what he didn't seem to care.
I did try to keep him from Kevin.... When Kevin was drinking!!!! I felt he was a bad influence and I truly thought that if he didn't have Kevin then he wouldn't drink so much.
But when Kevin got sober, Will just switched gears. Instead of going to Kevin's he went to Brandon's.
I've moved my feelings of "hate" to Brandon. I've tried to keep him from Brandon in my attempts to rid my husband of his addictions.
I see I made things worse.
But I didn't keep him from anyone bc of baby issues.
I asked a million times to invite Kelsey and Ben to do something and she is knocked up but usually Will wasn't in the mood or Kelsey and Ben were too busy.
But I think I got blamed for that friendship too.
I debated back and forth on her baby shower. I had the gift but ultimately decided I didn't want to go bc I was afraid of being tearful. Crying, even for 30 seconds, in a room full of strangers was not my idea of fun. But not going never had anything to do with not being happy for Kelsey.
I'm not saying I was perfect. Not by a long shot. I was/am crazy, insanely jealous of Kevin's good fortune. I was/am reminded of EXACTLY what I lost when I look at Andrew or Emily. It's hard.
But all I asked for was his support. I never got it. I wanted a heads up to be mentally prepared if Andrew was going to be around. Instead he fed me to the wolves. I was emotional seeing Andrew and Emily but it wasn't that bad. What WAS bad was the reminder that my husband didn't give a damn about protecting my feelings, about supprting ME. That was why I locked myself in the truck the day... because I felt alone and belittled and unloved.
I need to know he's on my side.
And yet even now after we've had all of these amazing talks I'm still sitting here at 330 am feeling scared and sad.
Bc now I see that no matter what... I'm alone in this. He has the option of divorce in his heart. I never have.
It's just not an option for me.
I remember him saying the same a long time ago.
How can I compete with a family and his friends who told him that divorcing me was okay?
Many of them backed out of marriage when it got too hard. I don't fault them for their decisions. But without sounding snobbish I knew I could do better. I wouldn't give up.
But he might. And what good is my promise if his wasn't true?
I made a promise to God and to Will that I'd be his forever. I meant it.
But he didn't.
Expectations
This is from March 21st...
Today I am grateful for:
1. Blue living room paint
2. Hours long talks with my husband
3. sad, rainy days
4. losing my 3 babies
5. the week my husband thought he wanted a divorce
6. my sore, twice-bitten tongue! (ouch!)
7. our lack and fear of sex (sex causes babies...babies that die)
8. my God who loves me
9. the truck not selling
10. 10.4 lbs lost in exactly one month!
I am supposed to write about boundaries right now but in all honesty I don't feel that it is an issue at the moment. I might come back to it another day.....
I listened to The Hippy talk a little about expectations today at an Al-Anon meeting where he was the speaker. We shouldn't have expectations of others of others without their consent. I realize that I had/have a lot of expectations for my husband and God. I expected that because I was doing or feeling or wanting one thing that they were to do something too, something to make it happen.
I expected that as I grieved for our babies that my husband would be what I needed. I expected that he could be what I needed at all times. Me expectations were not met so I became sadder, angrier, needier. Meanwhile, these behaviors of mine ruined his expectations of me.
I had expectations of God too. I expected Him to give me healthy babies because I wanted them and I expected them immediately. I expected Him to keep my husband free from addiction since he was free from addiction when we met and married. I expected babies and God has His own reasons and timing and the only thing I should expect from Him is His love and forgiveness and for Him to carry me through this.
He hasn't failed on those.
The only other expectations we can have are those that the other person agreed on. So I think that my husband and I need to our "expectations" to meet in the middle.
Today I am grateful for:
1. Blue living room paint
2. Hours long talks with my husband
3. sad, rainy days
4. losing my 3 babies
5. the week my husband thought he wanted a divorce
6. my sore, twice-bitten tongue! (ouch!)
7. our lack and fear of sex (sex causes babies...babies that die)
8. my God who loves me
9. the truck not selling
10. 10.4 lbs lost in exactly one month!
I am supposed to write about boundaries right now but in all honesty I don't feel that it is an issue at the moment. I might come back to it another day.....
I listened to The Hippy talk a little about expectations today at an Al-Anon meeting where he was the speaker. We shouldn't have expectations of others of others without their consent. I realize that I had/have a lot of expectations for my husband and God. I expected that because I was doing or feeling or wanting one thing that they were to do something too, something to make it happen.
I expected that as I grieved for our babies that my husband would be what I needed. I expected that he could be what I needed at all times. Me expectations were not met so I became sadder, angrier, needier. Meanwhile, these behaviors of mine ruined his expectations of me.
I had expectations of God too. I expected Him to give me healthy babies because I wanted them and I expected them immediately. I expected Him to keep my husband free from addiction since he was free from addiction when we met and married. I expected babies and God has His own reasons and timing and the only thing I should expect from Him is His love and forgiveness and for Him to carry me through this.
He hasn't failed on those.
The only other expectations we can have are those that the other person agreed on. So I think that my husband and I need to our "expectations" to meet in the middle.
Teachers
This is another excerpt from my written journal from a few days ago.
I was reading about "teachers" and was asked to think about some things. This is what I wrote...
My "teachers" that I'm currently aware of include my alcoholic husband and the loss of my three babies through miscarriage and my subsequent grief. I felt angry. I feel angry. I am beginning to see that even in these situations there are lessons to learn. And there might even be good in them and hope after them. I'm not there yet though.
I don't know "what" I'm supposed to learn and take away from these experiences but I'm trying to open my eyes and my heart to the possibility of something good...I think my issue with this is that I just cannot imagine the good ever outweighing the bad.
But I hope I'm wrong.
(I was also asked to write about things that I'm grateful for, including things that I'm actually NOT grateful for in an attempt to find peace and find the good in all things. This was my first list:
Today I am grateful for:
1. My alcoholic husband
2. My babies that have died
3. My friends who have supported me when I did not return the favor
4. The option to stop working and work on my grief
5. Al-Anon
6. The fear of losing my marriage
7. The babies being born to friends and the subsequent heartache it causes me when I realize it might not ever happen for me
8. Losing my fallopian tube
9. My parents' support and love
10. My pets!
I was reading about "teachers" and was asked to think about some things. This is what I wrote...
My "teachers" that I'm currently aware of include my alcoholic husband and the loss of my three babies through miscarriage and my subsequent grief. I felt angry. I feel angry. I am beginning to see that even in these situations there are lessons to learn. And there might even be good in them and hope after them. I'm not there yet though.
I don't know "what" I'm supposed to learn and take away from these experiences but I'm trying to open my eyes and my heart to the possibility of something good...I think my issue with this is that I just cannot imagine the good ever outweighing the bad.
But I hope I'm wrong.
(I was also asked to write about things that I'm grateful for, including things that I'm actually NOT grateful for in an attempt to find peace and find the good in all things. This was my first list:
Today I am grateful for:
1. My alcoholic husband
2. My babies that have died
3. My friends who have supported me when I did not return the favor
4. The option to stop working and work on my grief
5. Al-Anon
6. The fear of losing my marriage
7. The babies being born to friends and the subsequent heartache it causes me when I realize it might not ever happen for me
8. Losing my fallopian tube
9. My parents' support and love
10. My pets!
Goals
I'm reading a billion books. I can't remember which is which.
I've got Paths to Recovery: Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts; Codependent No More; The New Codependent; Codependents Guide to the 12 Steps; The Grief Club; The Language of Letting Go; and Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples.
I don't think I'm leaving anything out! Oh wait...and The Hunger Games trilogy! :)
I'm also reading the Bible.
I don't remember which book now but one of them said I should make a list of goals. Long term and short term.
So here it is:
1. Lose weight to be healthy and HAPPY
2. Find a job I love
3. Be a better, more dependable friend (quit shutting friends out)
4. Be a calmer wife (not let anger control my words and actions)
5. Find peace in things I cannot control or change
6. Make an effort to see friends weekly
7. Write weekly in both blogs in an attempt to work through emotions, grief, etc.
8. Read the entire Bible
9. Run a 10k
10. Let my husband know how much I appreciate him
11. Exercise 3 times a week
12. Read at least one book a month for FUN
13. Never stop making goals!
14. Do something scary!
15. Finish my crafts (nursery letters) and give them to the people I made them for!
16. Make more art
17. Learn to sew
18. Learn to crochet
19. Take more pictures
20. Take a photo-editing class
21. Slow dance
22. Get comfortable with a gun and buy my own
23. Get a conceal carry license
24. Learn to change a tire
25. Learn to jump a car (like the battery...I'm not jumping over a car here ;)
26. Weekly Al-Anon
27. Find a running club
28. Bible study
29. Make Mass on Saturdays and holidays
30. Make other church on Sunday (my husband is Baptist and I'm Catholic...we both love a certain non-denominational church)
3
I've got Paths to Recovery: Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts; Codependent No More; The New Codependent; Codependents Guide to the 12 Steps; The Grief Club; The Language of Letting Go; and Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples.
I don't think I'm leaving anything out! Oh wait...and The Hunger Games trilogy! :)
I'm also reading the Bible.
I don't remember which book now but one of them said I should make a list of goals. Long term and short term.
So here it is:
1. Lose weight to be healthy and HAPPY
2. Find a job I love
3. Be a better, more dependable friend (quit shutting friends out)
4. Be a calmer wife (not let anger control my words and actions)
5. Find peace in things I cannot control or change
6. Make an effort to see friends weekly
7. Write weekly in both blogs in an attempt to work through emotions, grief, etc.
8. Read the entire Bible
9. Run a 10k
10. Let my husband know how much I appreciate him
11. Exercise 3 times a week
12. Read at least one book a month for FUN
13. Never stop making goals!
14. Do something scary!
15. Finish my crafts (nursery letters) and give them to the people I made them for!
16. Make more art
17. Learn to sew
18. Learn to crochet
19. Take more pictures
20. Take a photo-editing class
21. Slow dance
22. Get comfortable with a gun and buy my own
23. Get a conceal carry license
24. Learn to change a tire
25. Learn to jump a car (like the battery...I'm not jumping over a car here ;)
26. Weekly Al-Anon
27. Find a running club
28. Bible study
29. Make Mass on Saturdays and holidays
30. Make other church on Sunday (my husband is Baptist and I'm Catholic...we both love a certain non-denominational church)
3
Today...
I don't remember what all I've written thus far. The week I started this blog was the worst week of my life. I feel like that is saying a lot too considering some of the things I've been through.
So a quick re-cap.
My husband is an alcoholic/addict. He drinks 7 days a week. It recently came to my attention that he is taking xanax too. I assume that makes him an "addict" and an alcoholic. But this is all new to me.
On March 10th my husband decided I was too much to handle and needed me gone so he could breath or some crap like that.
It was the worst rejection I'd ever felt. But I left, with tears in my eyes, sobbing.
I stayed with my parents and informed them that my husband didn't want me at the house, he didn't want to be near me, and that he was an alcoholic.
I didn't know and I still don't know if it was the alcohol affecting his decisions and thoughts despite the fact that he was not drunk at the moment he kicked me out.
Monday came and he decided he needed MORE time to himself and did not want me there with him.
He agreed to see a therapist with me. I felt hope.
On Thursday I met with the therapist alone and also decided that I was coming home whether he liked it or not. I missed home. I missed my pets. I missed my husband.
I didn't get home until after he was asleep (passed out might be a better term) as I'd made plans with a friend for an Al-Anon meeting and a movie.
The next day he came home from work and said he was leaving. He wanted a divorce.
I begged him to stay. I begged and begged and begged.
I have a hard time thinking about this day. That is all I'm going to say for now.
The next day he came home. We did yard work. We actually laughed and had a good time. It was weird, eery even but soooo good!
After the yard work was complete we sat down exhausted and suddenly started talking about issues. CALMLY talking about why he felt the need to leave and why he thought he needed to divorce me.
He had resentments. Resentments that he let build up for a really long time without discussing them with me.
After talking for about an hour we had reached a major turning point.
He was ready to fight for us.
I'm not a weak person. I'm educated. I have a college degree. I've never let any guy I ever dated treat me like crap. I stand up for myself. I certainly don't cry and beg for someone to stay with me. How did it get to this point?
I don't know. But I'm trying to figure that all out.
I started the Al-Anon meetings on Tuesday, March 13th. I didn't go Wednesday but then I went every single day until the following Tuesday. I went again today. I plan on another tomorrow and Wednesday and I think those will be the 3 I go to until I feel like a normal human being again.
I've bought a few books about codependency and Al-Anon. I've been reading like crazy and journeling.
Since that Saturday my husband and I have had a few other really long, wonderful talks. You have to understand that for over a year my alcoholic husband didn't talk to me about anything of any importance. Certainly not his feelings. I tried. I'm a talker. All I want to do is talk about my feelings because in my experience problems go away once you start talking about them.
But for us, I'd talk. He'd react. Usually by drinking more beer, smoking some pot, or behind my back taking pills. I'd then react with anger. It was a vicious cycle.
But suddenly we're talking. We're crying together. We're laughing.
I'm so confused.
He's still drinking. He keeps saying he'll go to a meeting but he still hasn't gone. I'm trying to "Live and Let Live!". I'm working on it.
Today he didn't drink.
I'm praying its the day, the first day of the rest of his life.
But I'm not naive.
So I've been journaling a lot too. I've always been a big blogger. Well, I've been a blogger for the last 2 years or so. Sorry I can't tell you my other blog! I'm anonymous here and I'm out for the world to see on my other one...which has nothing to do with this.
But I wanted to transfer what I've been writing in my notebook to the blog. So that will be my next post tonight....
So a quick re-cap.
My husband is an alcoholic/addict. He drinks 7 days a week. It recently came to my attention that he is taking xanax too. I assume that makes him an "addict" and an alcoholic. But this is all new to me.
On March 10th my husband decided I was too much to handle and needed me gone so he could breath or some crap like that.
It was the worst rejection I'd ever felt. But I left, with tears in my eyes, sobbing.
I stayed with my parents and informed them that my husband didn't want me at the house, he didn't want to be near me, and that he was an alcoholic.
I didn't know and I still don't know if it was the alcohol affecting his decisions and thoughts despite the fact that he was not drunk at the moment he kicked me out.
Monday came and he decided he needed MORE time to himself and did not want me there with him.
He agreed to see a therapist with me. I felt hope.
On Thursday I met with the therapist alone and also decided that I was coming home whether he liked it or not. I missed home. I missed my pets. I missed my husband.
I didn't get home until after he was asleep (passed out might be a better term) as I'd made plans with a friend for an Al-Anon meeting and a movie.
The next day he came home from work and said he was leaving. He wanted a divorce.
I begged him to stay. I begged and begged and begged.
I have a hard time thinking about this day. That is all I'm going to say for now.
The next day he came home. We did yard work. We actually laughed and had a good time. It was weird, eery even but soooo good!
After the yard work was complete we sat down exhausted and suddenly started talking about issues. CALMLY talking about why he felt the need to leave and why he thought he needed to divorce me.
He had resentments. Resentments that he let build up for a really long time without discussing them with me.
After talking for about an hour we had reached a major turning point.
He was ready to fight for us.
I'm not a weak person. I'm educated. I have a college degree. I've never let any guy I ever dated treat me like crap. I stand up for myself. I certainly don't cry and beg for someone to stay with me. How did it get to this point?
I don't know. But I'm trying to figure that all out.
I started the Al-Anon meetings on Tuesday, March 13th. I didn't go Wednesday but then I went every single day until the following Tuesday. I went again today. I plan on another tomorrow and Wednesday and I think those will be the 3 I go to until I feel like a normal human being again.
I've bought a few books about codependency and Al-Anon. I've been reading like crazy and journeling.
Since that Saturday my husband and I have had a few other really long, wonderful talks. You have to understand that for over a year my alcoholic husband didn't talk to me about anything of any importance. Certainly not his feelings. I tried. I'm a talker. All I want to do is talk about my feelings because in my experience problems go away once you start talking about them.
But for us, I'd talk. He'd react. Usually by drinking more beer, smoking some pot, or behind my back taking pills. I'd then react with anger. It was a vicious cycle.
But suddenly we're talking. We're crying together. We're laughing.
I'm so confused.
He's still drinking. He keeps saying he'll go to a meeting but he still hasn't gone. I'm trying to "Live and Let Live!". I'm working on it.
Today he didn't drink.
I'm praying its the day, the first day of the rest of his life.
But I'm not naive.
So I've been journaling a lot too. I've always been a big blogger. Well, I've been a blogger for the last 2 years or so. Sorry I can't tell you my other blog! I'm anonymous here and I'm out for the world to see on my other one...which has nothing to do with this.
But I wanted to transfer what I've been writing in my notebook to the blog. So that will be my next post tonight....
Friday, March 16, 2012
Missing him
I miss my husband.
I honestly didn't realize just how much I miss him until this last week.
The stark realization that has hit me. The denial is slowly backing away. And I can see that my husband, the man I fell in love with, the man I married, is not here anymore. He's somewhere underneath because every now and again I catch a glimpse.
It's in those glimpses that I have hope. And that I realize just how good we had it. And just how much I miss him.
I miss my husband.
I honestly didn't realize just how much I miss him until this last week.
The stark realization that has hit me. The denial is slowly backing away. And I can see that my husband, the man I fell in love with, the man I married, is not here anymore. He's somewhere underneath because every now and again I catch a glimpse.
It's in those glimpses that I have hope. And that I realize just how good we had it. And just how much I miss him.
I miss my husband.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
The Hippy
This blog is going to take some time to get started. To get my thoughts down. To get my story down.
This story is one that is so painful to me that I don't know how to write about it. I barely know how to talk about it. It's painful. It hurts. I really cannot believe this is my life.
Let me start by saying everything is anonymous here. I mean anyone can look at this blog but I'm not advertising. I'm not telling a soul in real life that it exists. Names are changed, including my own. Some details might be changed but the story, as it slowly unfolds will all be real. Every. Last. Bit. If you think you know me after learning details, well you probably don't. I'm one of millions. I know that but it doesn't make my story any less painful. And if by chance you do know me, I ask you respect my privacy and go away! :)
I'm a 30 year old woman. I've been married for almost three years. I have no living children. I have too many pets. And I'm married to an alcoholic/addict.
My life is in shambles.
And this blog will document my attempt to pick up the pieces.
Even if its not the way I hope.
I met The Hippy today.
Who is "The Hippy", you ask? My new therapist.
My husband's family recommended him to the both of us. He's a recovered alcoholic. He's also been married and now divorced from an alcoholic. He knows both sides of my story and that is a comfort. I met him today. I cried for a full hour.
Tomorrow my husband will meet with him.
And I pray it makes a difference. I know it won't overnight but I pray it plants the seed.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
In the beginning...
I don't know where to begin. But this is my first post.
Obviously.
I have another blog. I write about everything in it...
Everything except one major issue in my life.
And that is why I've created this one.
Because I can't believe this is my life... and I've got to do something about it.
Obviously.
I have another blog. I write about everything in it...
Everything except one major issue in my life.
And that is why I've created this one.
Because I can't believe this is my life... and I've got to do something about it.
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