Today...

I don't remember what all I've written thus far. The week I started this blog was the worst week of my life. I feel like that is saying a lot too considering some of the things I've been through.

So a quick re-cap.

My husband is an alcoholic/addict. He drinks 7 days a week. It recently came to my attention that he is taking xanax too. I assume that makes him an "addict" and an alcoholic. But this is all new to me.

On March 10th my husband decided I was too much to handle and needed me gone so he could breath or some crap like that.

It was the worst rejection I'd ever felt. But I left, with tears in my eyes, sobbing.

I stayed with my parents and informed them that my husband didn't want me at the house, he didn't want to be near me, and that he was an alcoholic.

I didn't know and I still don't know if it was the alcohol affecting his decisions and thoughts despite the fact that he was not drunk at the moment he kicked me out.

Monday came and he decided he needed MORE time to himself and did not want me there with him.

He agreed to see a therapist with me. I felt hope.

On Thursday I met with the therapist alone and also decided that I was coming home whether he liked it or not. I missed home. I missed my pets. I missed my husband.

I didn't get home until after he was asleep (passed out might be a better term) as I'd made plans with a friend for an Al-Anon meeting and a movie.

The next day he came home from work and said he was leaving. He wanted a divorce.

I begged him to stay. I begged and begged and begged.

I have a hard time thinking about this day. That is all I'm going to say for now.

The next day he came home. We did yard work. We actually laughed and had a good time. It was weird, eery even but soooo good!

After the yard work was complete we sat down exhausted and suddenly started talking about issues. CALMLY talking about why he felt the need to leave and why he thought he needed to divorce me.

He had resentments. Resentments that he let build up for a really long time without discussing them with me.

After talking for about an hour we had reached a major turning point.

He was ready to fight for us.

I'm not a weak person. I'm educated. I have a college degree. I've never let any guy I ever dated treat me like crap. I stand up for myself. I certainly don't cry and beg for someone to stay with me. How did it get to this point?

I don't know. But I'm trying to figure that all out.

I started the Al-Anon meetings on Tuesday, March 13th. I didn't go Wednesday but then I went every single day until the following Tuesday. I went again today. I plan on another tomorrow and Wednesday and I think those will be the 3 I go to until I feel like a normal human being again.

I've bought a few books about codependency and Al-Anon. I've been reading like crazy and journeling.

Since that Saturday my husband and I have had a few other really long, wonderful talks. You have to understand that for over a year my alcoholic husband didn't talk to me about anything of any importance. Certainly not his feelings. I tried. I'm a talker. All I want to do is talk about my feelings because in my experience problems go away once you start talking about them.

But for us, I'd talk. He'd react. Usually by drinking more beer, smoking some pot, or behind my back taking pills. I'd then react with anger. It was a vicious cycle.

But suddenly we're talking. We're crying together. We're laughing.

I'm so confused.

He's still drinking. He keeps saying he'll go to a meeting but he still hasn't gone. I'm trying to "Live and Let Live!". I'm working on it.

Today he didn't drink.

I'm praying its the day, the first day of the rest of his life.

But I'm not naive.

So I've been journaling a lot too. I've always been a big blogger. Well, I've been a blogger for the last 2 years or so. Sorry I can't tell you my other blog! I'm anonymous here and I'm out for the world to see on my other one...which has nothing to do with this.

But I wanted to transfer what I've been writing in my notebook to the blog. So that will be my next post tonight....