The Next Day

I need to nap. I didn't get enough sleep.

But I'm here pecking on my iPhone.

I think I want to redo our vows. Before God but to write our own. That thought just came to me. But I think I want that. Not right away but when we make it out of the worst of this.

Was it really me who caused all these issues? Or was it that he can't admit that his drinking is such a big deal.

I care too much about what others think of me. And he's telling people things that are only half truths. It's painting me to be a horrible person and him the victim.

I'm angry that I overheard. That I didn't walk away. And I'm angry he said it. I'm frustrated.

She says "Penny lost her baby. I should introduce her to Penny. Penny was due with Kelsey and Penny went to Kelsey's shower." (Referring to Kelsey's baby shower that I decided last minute to not go to)

"I think if she could just get over it shed have a baby a lot quicker"

WTF?! So Penny and Kelsey are GOOD, CLOSE friends. If  Jamie, or Jessica, or Allison had a baby shower I'd be there! Kelsey is a fucking acquaintance.

Penny has lost ONE baby. I've lost 3. Not everyone thinks of an embryo or a fetus as their baby. Not everyone is affected the same so why am I treated as though I shouldn't be sad, devastated even. I bet Penny had support too.

And what I'm such a negative bitch that I'm being punished and that's why I can't have a baby?! If I'd just get over it then I could have a baby.

Really? Because a positive happy go lucky attitude got me my first miscarriage! It didn't prevent my body from screwing things up, from letting them die. It didn't cause low progesterone or hypothyroidism or MTHFR.

Negativity didn't kill my babies. Low progesterone, hypothyroidism, MTHFR, and a screwed up tube killed my babies.

But that sure felt like she was implying I am to blame.

The happiest and most peaceful times in my life were during my pregnancies. My babies died before I knew there was a problem. I wasn't worrying incessantly. I was living for the moment. Enjoying every second. I wasn't negative. I wasn't thinking that things would turn out badly. But they did. The negativity came after each loss.

I just want people to stop talking about how I should or shouldn't handle THE DEATH of Elizabeth, Elise, or Brian. Of my babies.

I still am desperate for my husband's empathy. I never expected him to feel what I felt. I just expected support. Am I really not supposed to have expectations?

I have a hard time with that. I got more support from him when Wiggles (my cat) died!!!!

He let me grieve longer. He put his head on my back while I cried myself to sleep for many nights. He only did it one night after Elizabeth.

I was beyond depressed. I wanted to die. If I'd had the balls I'd have killed myself. I mean that. If I thought I wouldn't go to Hell or created a Hell on earth by just turning myself into a veggie I'd have swallowed pills and prayed for death. I toyed with it.

I took too many pills. I knew they wouldn't kill me. But I was hopeful that maybe I'd just have a reaction and die or get "high" enough that I didn't know what I was doing and then have the guts to kill myself.

I cut my wrist. But it burned like Hell.

He saw all of this.

I wanted help. I wanted an ambulance to come get me but instead he just told me to leave him alone and he went to bed.

I wouldn't have fought being committed.

I needed it.

But even without his support I crawled my way out of Hell on my own. I've been teetering on the edge of falling down again but I'm a damn strong person at this point.

I should have reached out to someone else and let them know how sad I was over losing Elizabeth and then Elise. But my thoughts were more like "If my own husband, the father of my babies doesn't care about what we've lost and what I'm going through I don't want to deal with that rejection from someone else too".

So I didn't share.

I just don't buy into this whole man is different from woman crap. I mean yeah they feel things differently but really he can't be a damn man and hug his wife!!!!?!?! Being a man is not an excuse for being a dick. An insensitive uncaring prick.