Teachers

This is another excerpt from my written journal from a few days ago.

I was reading about "teachers" and was asked to think about some things. This is what I wrote...

My "teachers" that I'm currently aware of include my alcoholic husband and the loss of my three babies through miscarriage and my subsequent grief. I felt angry. I feel angry. I am beginning to see that even in these situations there are lessons to learn. And there might even be good in them and hope after them. I'm not there yet though.

I don't know "what" I'm supposed to learn and take away from these experiences but I'm trying to open my eyes and my heart to the possibility of something good...I think my issue with this is that I just cannot imagine the good ever outweighing the bad.

But I hope I'm wrong.

(I was also asked to write about things that I'm grateful for, including things that I'm actually NOT grateful for in an attempt to find peace and find the good in all things. This was my first list:

Today I  am grateful for:

1. My alcoholic husband
2. My babies that have died
3. My friends who have supported me when I did not return the favor
4. The option to stop working and work on my grief
5. Al-Anon
6. The fear of losing my marriage
7. The babies being born to friends and the subsequent heartache it causes me when I realize it might not ever happen for me
8. Losing my fallopian tube
9. My parents' support and love
10. My pets!