Be okay

Oh how I wish I knew another younger woman married to an alcoholic. I've yet to meet any young wives in Al-Anon. All of the young women are adult children of alcoholics. I'm not saying we can't relate... but I guess I just wish for the impossible. To meet someone exactly like me who is maybe a few steps ahead of me and can just fix it. 

Ha, the absurdity.

I met with The Hippy yesterday. I was a little bummed that as soon as I got there I just couldn't remember what I wanted to talk about. I couldn't tap into that energy, the sadness, the anger I felt just a couple days ago, when I wrote those blog entries.

I actually had to pull up the writings on my iPhone just to remember! And then so many of the things I wrote felt so small. I discussed some of it with him. But mostly I think I just realized that all I really needed was to get it out and writing did just that for me.

If I hadn't written it then I'd probably would have exploded by the time I got to The Hippy's office.

Lol, all my names on this blog are changed...including my own! I keep accidentally typing my husband's real name! Ooops! So if you suddenly see some weird name appear that doesn't make sense its probably just that...I've gone and written a real name!

But I try to proof read before publishing!

We talked a little about the first step at my appointment too. We discussed that I knew he was using pills again because I'd looked at his phone and saw that he'd texted his supplier for more. The Hippy said all the things I already know.

Snooping is not ME.
And its a way that I've let my life become unmanageable.

He's right.

And its a way that I keep trying to control the situation.

The truth is I'd like to go to this little punk-ass (the kid selling him the shit) and bash his face in. But he's just some kid. A co-worker that Will mentored at work. Maybe this kid is an addict too. I have no idea. Or maybe he's just some punk ass kid thinking he's all cool by selling prescription medications. I'd like to call the kids mama. I'd like to call him and tell him that Will is an addict and he's going to kill him. (For the record he's 23...not a real "kid".)

But I know. I can't. But oh how I want to.

But I can't control and by that I don't only mean I shouldn't control...I mean I CANNOT control. It just doesn't work. All it does it make me miserable because it never works.

How come I can know something but not be able to apply it?

So...Will is on Day 3 of  being sober.

The thing is I'm not excited because I'm not naive.

On Sunday he laid around the house feeling sorry for himself and telling me how guilty he felt for all the things he's been doing. I spent the day in the ER with my best friend Jamie (her benign brain tumor is probably back...that is a story for another day) and only left when it was time for my 4pm Al-Anon meeting. Will said he'd go to a 4pm meeting that day too which just happens to be in the same church where I was heading.

But I didn't offer to pick him up. I wanted it to be fully his decision. I'd have swung by the house to pick him up if he'd asked but he didn't.

And of course he fell asleep and didn't make it.

So whatever. He said he'd go the really good Monday night meeting.

Right around 730, when it was time for him to be going, he expressed his anxiety about going. And I knew he wasn't going.

He's been to these meetings before. The Monday night is a big one and he's got a lot of friends there. A lot of people who support him and would be thrilled to see him.

But all he could say to me is that he is afraid to see them because he already feels so guilty and like he's failed and by going back and facing them he'll have to hear their jokes about how he's been too drunk to make it to a meeting in so long!

I told him they'd just be happy to see him. Happy to help him. And that even their "good-natured jokes" would simply mean, "hey man, so good to see you! we can joke about this because we understand!". I told him that if there was anything I could do to help him face the anxiety and go to just let me know.

And that was all I said. And I turned my head back to my novel and silently prayed that he'd go.

He didn't.

And he didn't drink.

And we still had a really good night. We did a long walk...something we never get to do because he's too drunk. We snuggled on the couch, he was reading The Hunger Games and I was reading Good In Bed (lol, not about what you'd think!).

And we made love for the first time in over a month...geez, maybe 2. And hell probably 3 or 4 if you don't count drunk sex.

But I know it can all change in an instant.

Especially if he isn't reaching out for help. Help that I can't give. Help that only AA can.

Some days I know that my life is just going to be miserable. I mean nothing has gone as planned. I could still end up divorced. I could still never be a mother.

I could waste so much time praying for him to be sober and to be the man I fell in love with and miss out on my own life.

I don't want that.

And then other days I just know that no matter what I'm going to get through this. I hope its with a sober Will. But even if its not I can sometimes see that I'm just going to be okay. I've got a great God, a good therapist, amazing friends, supportive parents, and I'm pretty strong. Today I can feel all of that.