Step One

So I've updated any readers (so far there are none though) to this moment in time.

I'm working on Step One. These are my thoughts and responses to some suggested questions and activities while I read tonight...

I cannot control timing.
What am I powerless over? Almost everything I want to control.

Trying to do the impossible or that which is not our job....

Step One: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and others- and our lives had become unmanageable.

I have tried to control my husband. I feel that I don't fit many of these codependent qualifications but when I look at my husband and think back it is incredibly clear. But I'm not seeing the behavior in my other relationships which is interesting. I'm unsure what that means.

Will and alcoholism are making me feel crazy and causing me stress! But I think I'm supposed to learn how to not let it get to me. That feels impossible!

I feel victimized by my husband and his addiction. I feel victimized by his "friends" who I think encourage his addiction and provide him with the very things that are destroying him, me, and us.

If I stopped trying to control Will's addictions then I'd have to face the fact that I am powerless over his life, his health, his happiness, his love. While I understand logically...it is such a scary thing because I might lose him. I might be even more miserable without him.

If I stopped allowing alcohol to control me I suspect I would be happier in some ways. I'd relax and let God do His thing. I wouldn't worry constantly or be so sad or so angry. I'd let go of all these resentments.  But I'm not there yet and I can't understand it. How can I let go and let God and yet not worry?! It feels lke I just wouldn't care anymore. I don't know how to do both!

I am suffering from depression. I've been angry with God. I've let myself become overweight (45lbs is a LOT to gain in 2 years). I've quit my job because I couldn't handle the stress. I couldn't handle ANY stress. That is how my life has become unmanageable.

For the longest time I've done nothing fun. Nothing.