Up All Night, Part I

I couldn't sleep the other night. My husband, Will, was still drinking.  My anxiety was through the roof and I was up until 5am. Around 2 am I decided to write, to get it all out. I was too lazy to get up and go to a different room so I pecked away on my iphone.

Names have been changed to protect the guilty!

It's so late and I can't sleep. I'm scared and sad and angry. I'm scared to be angry. I'm scared that anger will push him away. But how do I get my voice heard?

I am feeling foolish. Foolish that when I said my vows I meant them. I didn't just mean them for that moment or for just a couple years but for all time. For better or worse. I'd be there. I wasn't leaving. I'm so pissed that he didn't mean his vows. I mean yeah he's here now. But one simple conversation happened that might not have happened. It feels like dumb luck is all that has him here now. Dumb luck that he was able to say what he felt and I was able to relax enough to say what I felt without resorting to anger. He was ready to jump ship. His mom tells him it's ok to jump ship if he's not feeling it. Better to waste 3 years than any longer.

WHAT?!?!

It's another blow to my confidence.

Til death do us part.

I meant it.

I'm sad bc I thought he did too. But he doesn't. I feel afraid. Afraid that we might do this again. That things will get hard and he will decide it's just easier to leave.

I thought we were on the same page. I thought he'd never leave without giving it his all. But he almost did leave.

I don't know why I can't move on from this and just be grateful he's willing to work on us.  But for me he created all new issues. Heartbreaking issues.

He didn't really mean his vows.

I did.

I remember long evening walks with him before and during our engagement where we discussed how marriage was forever. I feel lied to.

He just meant it was forever if forever meant things were going the way he wanted.

I meant FOREVER.

He is still telling people that if I don't "get over it" then he's out.

He's still not in it.

I have to prove my worthiness.

For at least a year he's been griping that we have nothing in common. I can't tell you how many times I asked to go play golf, to go camping, to go "hunting" (with a camera for me), to do all sorts of things and how many times he didn't bother asking. I didn't turn him down on these requests.

There just was never a request.

I had a miscarriage. I was heartbroken and I struggled to be around Crystal during her pregnancy. But I NEVER kept him away from Brad.

But I did go around her. And SHE didnt say a single word to me that day. Not even a hello. We were in the same damn boat and she never even looked my direction or stopped talking to the other pregnant girl long enough for me to even get the courage to say hi. It felt like a rejection. It felt like i had not only lost my baby but with it I also lost my only connection to my husband's best friend. I was the outcast.

When Andrew was born I sobbed over my loss (our babies were due the same day). But when he was 3 days old I met him. I held him.

Then I lost our second baby, Elise.

And being around babies and pregnant bellies was hard again.

I was all alone in my grief again. I begged for support. He refused it.

Not once in all that time did he ever ask me to do anything with Brad and Crystal.

Not once. (ok, I'm editing here. I'm fairly certain he probably did ask me to do something with him and I turned him down. I don't remember specifics but I'd be a liar if I said he never asked. BUT he didn't ask more than a couple times in those early months after we lost Elise. He didn't give me time to process my loss before he gave up and decided I was a lost cause.)

Fast forward to October 2011. He says Brad and Crystal have invited us out with them on Nov 2nd. I agreed. I was even excited.

Instead on November 2nd I spent 4 hours in surgery because I'm bleeding internally and having my third baby removed from my body along with my right Fallopian tube.

It feels like he blames me for missing an opportunity with his friends.

I never heard of another invite from Brad and Crystal.

But he tells me I kept him from them.

I honestly assumed they weren't interested in US because they had a life with a baby and maybe they really only spent time with other couples who have kids too and we just didn't fit in.

How can I be at fault when I never knew they were inviting us?

Kevin...

My issues with Kevin started long before Rebecca and baby Kaden.

They started bc my husband left my home multiple nights each week to get shit faced. And then he DROVE home drunk.... Plastered.

I was 1) jealous of my husband being gone so often when I needed him and 2) angry that Kevin, his "friend" would let him drive home.

I quit hanging out with Kevin bc I was the only sober person when we all hung out together.

When Kevin got sober and Will didn't I became terribly sad. I wanted my husband to be sober. I felt like I wasn't enough.

When I found out Rebecca was pregnant and that was why Kevin got sober I was infuriated. Not with Kevin or Rebecca but with Will. Again, I felt like I wasn't good enough. Our children didn't even matter.

Infuriated that my husband never got sober during my 3 pregnancies. Jealous that the life I'd prayed for was going to someone who prayed for the opposite. Kevin was so outspoken about never wanting children.

I let my anger get the best of me.

And in my effort, my warped sense of trying to get the love and support and understanding I needed from William I let him know how UNFAIR it was. I let it show by showing how ugly I could be. I misdirected my anger at them when it was really meant for William. But no matter what he didn't seem to care.

I did try to keep him from Kevin.... When Kevin was drinking!!!! I felt he was a bad influence and I truly thought that if he didn't have Kevin then he wouldn't drink so much.

But when Kevin got sober, Will just switched gears. Instead of going to Kevin's he went to Brandon's.

I've moved my feelings of "hate" to Brandon. I've tried to keep him from Brandon in my attempts to rid my husband of his addictions.

I see I made things worse.

But I didn't keep him from anyone bc of baby issues.

I asked a million times to invite Kelsey and Ben to do something and she is knocked up but usually Will wasn't in the mood or Kelsey and Ben were too busy.

But I think I got blamed for that friendship too.

I debated back and forth on her baby shower. I had the gift but ultimately decided I didn't want to go bc I was afraid of being tearful. Crying, even for 30 seconds, in a room full of strangers was not my idea of fun. But not going never had anything to do with not being happy for Kelsey.

I'm not saying I was perfect. Not by a long shot. I was/am crazy, insanely jealous of Kevin's good fortune. I was/am reminded of EXACTLY what I lost when I look at Andrew or Emily. It's hard.

But all I asked for was his support. I never got it. I wanted a heads up to be mentally prepared if Andrew was going to be around. Instead he fed me to the wolves. I was emotional seeing Andrew and Emily but it wasn't that bad. What WAS bad was the reminder that my husband didn't give a damn about protecting my feelings, about supprting ME. That was why I locked myself in the truck the day... because I felt alone and belittled and unloved.

I need to know he's on my side.

And yet even now after we've had all of these amazing talks I'm still sitting here at 330 am feeling scared and sad.

Bc now I see that no matter what... I'm alone in this. He has the option of divorce in his heart. I never have.

It's just not an option for me.

I remember him saying the same a long time ago.

How can I compete with a family and his friends who told him that divorcing me was okay?

Many of them backed out of marriage when it got too hard. I don't fault them for their decisions. But without sounding snobbish I knew I could do better. I wouldn't give up.

But he might. And what good is my promise if his wasn't true?

I made a promise to God and to Will that I'd be his forever. I meant it.

But he didn't.