Up All Night, Part III

He keeps saying he needs to get away. I want to know what he needs to get away from.

It feels like me. I can only imagine that my constant need to talk things out is overwhelming. It's overwhelming to me too.

This repetitive, obsessive thinking going on in my brain. I just don't know how to deal with our problems.

I worry I'm wearing him out.

Wearing him out is bad. It's bad when you now realize that forever didn't mean forever.

Being married released a huge weight... The fear of ever being alone, of "breaking up". But he's made it so clear that breaking up is an option for him. I feel so betrayed. I honestly wonder why I'm fighting so hard for a man who barely reminds me if the man I fell in love with.

I wish that marriage didn't mean so much to me.

Or maybe more than anything I'm afraid of being alone, of admitting defeat, of the stigma of divorce (that apparently only I have).

But I want to believe its more than that keeping me here.

I think back to before the alcohol became such a problem and before babies and infertility.

I thought we had something most people only dream of. We could have had a movie made about us.

Look at us now.

I don't know how much the drinking has impacted him, me, or us. I literally do not know.

How did it come to all these resentments and this need to get far away from me so often?

How come he doesn't want to make love or even kiss more than a peck? Alcohol or me? Which is it?

The thing is I'm  pretty impressionable. Tell me I'm a knockout and I'll believe you. Tell me I'm unattractive then I'll buy that too.

I keep having dreams that I'm having an affair. Not much sex in these dreams but lots of being made to feel beautiful and sexy. In fact one dream was so real and there was no sex. Just me and this particular guy (a particular caring and sensitive ex) and we slept in diff rooms because I was married. But he loved me and he made sure i knew. He made sure i knew I was beautiful.

Am I putting too much on him? It wasn't too much a few years ago.

I honestly wish I could have an affair like in my dream. No sex, just love. Just to feel safe.