Still Sober

I wonder if others think they'll jinx it if they talk about it!

We're on Day 5.

Five whole days of sobriety.

But each and every day I prepare myself to see him walk in the door with a case of beer.

Today he is working late. The boss is buying dinner. Last time they worked through dinner the boss also bought a case of beer. Obviously his boss has no idea that he's an alcoholic but I worry that Will will cave and drink some. He'd only have 1 or 2 in front of co-workers but he'd still come home with more. Once he starts, he can't stop.

I know, I know.

Live and Let Live.
Let Go and Let God.

But sometimes all I hear is yada, yada, yada!

The thing is I know what he is doing and I guess I just have to let him.

He's still trying to prove to himself and to me that this isn't a real problem. That he can do this without any help. I mean logically he knows he is an alcoholic but I guess just like me he still can't grasp that first step- that this is unmanageable. He is still trying to manage.

I'd feel better if he'd just go to a meeting. I'd say the chances of this sobriety lasting long term without the meetings is 0% and I'd give him a 50/50 shot with the meetings.

So how am I? Isn't that what I'm supposed to be focusing on...

I still find it so odd that I'm a codependent. That I've let myself and my life become unmanageable.

Its a bit humorous to me. Ok...its a lot humorous to me!

It is just so not me!

So I'm doing okay. I went to lunch with my dad today and when he asked how Will was doing I was honest and told him that he'd quit for a few days but still wasn't doing meetings. I was very bitter sounding while talking to him which kind of surprised me. I feel like I still go around on eggshells. I want to just scream and yell at him about how he's not going to meetings, about how he's still trying to control something he can't control! But...then what would I be doing? Trying to control as well.

Round and round we go.

My dad also offered me a job. I'm not sure when it'll start and its only part time, which is exactly what I wanted. So I'm excited!

I used to be a teacher. But between the losses of my babies and the "loss" of my husband, work became too much for me to handle. Luckily, Will's career has yet to be affected by his drinking and he makes great money allowing me to quit working and start focusing on getting myself healthy.

Having an alcoholic husband meant dealing with those losses all alone for the last 2 years. I'm extremely resentful of that. And when I finally decided I was quitting, I was doing it only for myself. And I'm glad I did. I'm much happier.

I know most readers would probably be judgmental and wonder why on Earth I'd ever try to get pregnant and put my children through life with an alcoholic father.

Its not something I can justify.

The first time we got pregnant I wasn't aware of what we were facing. We'd been married just a few months and while I knew he drank more than I did, more than I thought he should it wasn't a concern for me. I truly thought he'd quit when he needed to, if that makes sense. We were still young, not many responsibilities. It was mostly on weekends with an occasional weekday. What was the problem? In the back of my mind I worried. His dad is a recovering alcoholic. Will himself had spent time in rehab before I'd ever met him for a pill addiction but his reasoning to me was that "alcohol" was never his issue, never his addiction, so he wasn't worried.

I was naive and ignorant enough to go along with that...not realizing that addiction is addiction and just because he wasn't taking pills didn't mean there wasn't a problem.

I didn't recognize that the drinking was a problem until we lost our first baby and suddenly any time I needed him he wasn't there. Not always physically...sometimes he was right beside me and just couldn't deal with me because he'd been drinking.

But I stayed in denial.

We got pregnant again. We lost our second baby.

I knew I couldn't do it again by myself so we got a marriage/grief counselor. She came highly recommended. The best therapist in town (and charged like it too!). But honestly she was a waste of time.

She admitted she wasn't an addiction therapist and that she wasn't going to be able to help us in that regard. But yet 90% of our time with her was spent talking about it. It helped for a while but Will just felt "attacked" most sessions and looking back I'm angry that I wanted to talk about my losses and the conversation was always about him. It just felt like my issues weren't a big deal. That even with a therapist I was expected to be over the death of my babies in no time and that we should be dealing with Will's problem and that I should probably leave.

We didn't stay with her long. But we didn't go elsewhere.

We took a six month break from trying to get pregnant. I told family and friends about Will's drinking and got a lot of support initially. But then even my own parents quit asking me about it and therefore I quit talking about it and they went on assuming that it just was a temporary problem and that he had his drinking under control.

I'm still pretty pissed at them about that. Both of them grew up with alcoholic fathers...they should have known better than me that it wasn't going away.

For Christmas my mom provided Will with his very own bottle of his favorite whiskey! I mean really??? My best friend seriously considered getting him a 12 pack of his favorite beer as a gift.

I really felt ignored. 

So I ignored it too.

We tried to get pregnant again. This time it took much longer than the first two times. It was beyond stressful and only served to put a big wedge between Will and I. He drank even more.

And we got pregnant again. This time it only lasted 5 weeks as I ended up with a ruptured fallopian tube and lost my tube and baby very early on.

I handled it much better than I did the first two times. But I'm not convinced I've really dealt with it at all. I think I put it in the back of my mind and decided I'd go crazy if I dealt with a 3rd loss and the loss of my tube and with it my chances of getting pregnant without medication and procedures.

It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I woke up. That friends and family woke up too.

Will pretty much forced that on us...and I guess for that I'm grateful.