Up All Night, Part II

I know I make no sense. Ugh it's sooo late. But there are so many racing thoughts. I feel like a damn nut case.

Resentments.

Are they just him projecting his own feelings of himself on me or is he for real?! Some are so ridiculous. Some seem so hateful.

They all feel like a slap in the face.

Am I too blind to clearly see my faults in this?

I'm trying not to play the victim even though I really feel innocent in most of this.

I feel like every last bit of this crap would never have happened if William didn't drink so much.

But I can't read minds. He never fucking told me what was wrong.... For over two years he made me guess.

And then the lies and half truths.

I don't know where I stand.

I don't know what he's told his friends.

If it's anything like what I overheard tonight then my anxiety is worse.

I have a really hard time facing his friends if they believe I've "kept Will from them" or "can't get over my losses" or "am bitter and hateful about their babies.

WTF????!!!!

The things I overheard tonight make me want to crawl in bed and never look any of his friends in the eye again.

But he wants me more confident? Why Is he tearing me down then?!

I didn't keep him from doing a damn thing! Well maybe I kept him from enjoying his damn beer in peace.

He says Brad told him that he believed in his vows and he apparently was one of the rare people who really meant them.

He says this with shock.

I thought my husband meant his vows too but I'm not sure what he's getting at.

I'm so sad.

All the fucking time.

Even when I'm happy, I'm sad. About this.

I've lost my trust in him. He kicked me out and was ready to divorce me!!!!!!!!

With no explanation.

None.

I don't know why he came back the next morning after he'd made up his mind to divorce me.

I don't know.

I just want to understand.

But maybe I won't. How do I let this go?